Candy's Thoughts

How He Loves Us

2011-06-20T11:00:00.002-05:00

My song for the week:

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
(x2)

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.
(x2)

We are His portion and
He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns
violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
OH, how He loves
(x2)

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us
He loves us
He loves us
He loves.

Yeah, He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves

He loves us,
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves

My Theme Song for 2011

2011-04-05T12:27:00.004-05:00

It is well by Mary Mary

It is well with me
It is well with me
It is well with me
It is well
It is well with my soul

Love interrupted by tragedy
What will my life be like now
I do know that I can handle
If it's what you have allowed

It is well with me
It is well with me
It is well with me
It is well
It is well with my soul

My heart been broken into pieces
And I've had more than my share of pain
Still I believe that all things will work out for my good
So while in my storm I'll boldly proclaim

That It is well with me
It is well with me
It is well with me
It is well
It is well with my soul

It is well
It is well
It is well
It is well with my soul

It is well
It is well
It is well
It is well with my soul

I trust You Lord
I believe You Lord
I rest in You Lord
It may hurt some times but Lord I know

It is well
It is well
It is well
It is well with my soul

I want to be a part.

2009-07-29T06:45:00.003-05:00

"God put in the heart of His creation--in all of us--the need to belong. Husbands to wives, families to one another, and all of us to our heavenly Father." This quote came from one of the characters in Beverly Lewis' latest novel on the Amish called "The Secret." It has helped me to understand my need to try to fit in places that I probably should not. I want to belong, I feel this driving need to be a part of something whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship or family members, I want to be a part. But I understand for right now in this time in my life I just need to be connected with God more than anyone else.

What I am Thankful for...

2009-07-25T08:39:00.004-05:00

I am thankful that I am still here. In spite of everything I have been through I am still here. [Thanks Dorinda Clark-Cole for writing that song.]

I am thankful that through trials and mistakes I still have a sane mind.

I am thankful for this pregnancy that has complicated my world but I believe God is going to get the glory in the end.

I am thankful for a great family that has stood by me through everything.

I am thankful for the people I call friends who have not forsaken me.

I am thankful for my children who get on my nervous some times but at the same time show me what love really is.

I am thankful for my church and my job that have allowed me to keep a stable life.

I am truly thankful to God for loving me and for His faithfulness even in all my weaknesses.

New Beginnings

2008-12-18T06:39:00.002-06:00

It has been a year since I posted a thought on here. I believe it is time to start again. 2008 has been a interesting, weird and blessed year for me. I am thankful for so much. God has been good to me. I believe 2009 is going to be one of my best years ever. I will be 40 next year and I plan to live each day to the fullest because I think I have earned the right to enjoy myself.

Mistakes & Regrets

2007-12-17T02:23:00.000-06:00

We make choices in life that someday we may look back on think that was really a mistake but I think that is ok. I think is better to make a choice then to let decision be made for you or to just let life happen. I have to learn to be ok with the choices and not to regret them later.

It is so strange to me that I have had a lot things happen in my life in the space of two years but my one regret has nothing to do with those two years. My one regret in life is the relationship I could not have with someone. I really think we could have been great friends but something hindered that and I can't really figure out what. When I am honest with myself I realize that I don't regret having a child at seventeen or getting at married at twenty-three nor do I regret the divorce that ended it. Did those things come with pain? Yes but I am thankful that I was able to endure and have them in my life they made me a better me. But this relationship that I could not have has hurt me to the core because I could not figure why we could not be friends but I guess God must know.

What I am Thankful for

2007-12-13T19:28:00.000-06:00

I am thankful that I am still alive and breathing because things could be different.

I am thankful that Rachel is safe. She is young and still learning but at least she is okay today.

I am thankful that God is still providing for us despite my dumb mistakes.

I am thankful that eventually healing will come for my heart. I don't know when but if I keep believing I know it will come eventually.

I am thankful that JB and KB have survived each other. They fight so much but I hope in the end they will become closer to each other.

I am thankful that I am exploring something different in my life that maybe eventually will help me understand myself better.

I am thankful that God hasn't given up on me despite my confusion on so many things when it comes to spirituality and bible knowledge, I know God still loves me.

I am thankful that the holiday season will be over soon and maybe things can be normal again. Whatever that is.

I am thankful that I have coworkers around that listen to my questions no matter how weird or too serious they are and then really answer them. I am glad they feel okay talking to me even though I may not agree with them, I am thankful they are willing to share.

I am thankful that one day I will come out of this weird place I am in emotionally. God because this definitely can not last forever.

I am thankful that my brother will be coming home soon and I am prayfully that my other brother will be safe while he is still there.

Relationships

2007-11-18T07:49:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading "Where My Heart Belongs" by Tracie Peterson. What has stayed in my mind from this book ,that was something like the story of the prodigal son, is that I need to understand the real purpose of relationships in my life. Recently, I have basically ended a friendship for no good reason other than I wanted to keep to myself and I never stop to think what this person may have needed from me. Never thought about what our relationship meant to her just focus totally on me. Today, I feel so guilty for taking my friendship away from her just because I wanted to hid from the world. Another friend told me this past week that I need to come out of hiding and socialize, today I understand the importance of that but first I must apologize for taking away a relationship and try to build it once again.

What I am Thankful for...

2007-10-07T07:13:00.000-05:00

I am thankful that JB is healthy again. He and the weather are not getting along but I think we have it under control now.

I am thankful that Krystal still gives me hugs even though she is too old to hang out with Mom because that is not cool.

I am thankful for Rachel & Trey living close and we still have relationship were she wants to come visit.

I am thankful for Youtube. I have spent a lot of time on this website lately watching segments of church services that my church no longer does. I miss praise songs, testimony service and a good ole shouting time. It has also been great to see all the old saints such as Mother Estella Boyd showing us what really praying is.

Who is Jesus?

2007-10-02T06:42:00.000-05:00

For 21 years I have describe myself as a Christian and last week someone asked me to define Jesus and I couldn't do it. I am truly in a state of shock right now. It has totally shaken me because that should have been the easiest question in the world. While I am taking this time to learn more about myself maybe I need to for real figure out who I am.

What I am Thankful for...

2007-10-01T06:22:00.000-05:00

I am thankful that God is still real to me despite what others have said.

I am thankful that despite the bad choices I have made I am not homeless or totally without the necessities of life.

I am thankful once again for the ability to read. I don't know how I would survive without being able to go into another world every now and then.

I am thankful that my children are doing okay. The oldest is really learning to depend on God for everything, the middle is learning to set goals and accomplish them for herself and the youngest is still Mommy's baby and I am thankful for the hugs he gives everyday that remind me that I am still alive and okay.

I am thankful that despite going through a really weird phase right now I am okay.

I am thankful that I am learning that it is okay to be alone. Never really thought I could do it but I am.

I am thankful that this alone period won't last too long.

I am thankful that I can still be positive instead of focusing on all the negative things. My life is not that bad and I know it isn't. My parents are still alive and together. I know where my brothers are and they are not in prison. I have a relationship with my children and I talk to them everyday. I have a church I still love to go to. I have pastors that are still together. If I needed to I can still pick up the phone and talk to my ex's family. Things could be worse so I am thankful for what I do have.

I am thankful for health insurance. I don't have it but the children do and JB is going through a little asthma issues right now. At least I can take him to get medical help without it being a total struggle financially.

I am just thankful to be alive today.

In the Morning...

2007-08-18T09:50:00.000-05:00

Song by Mary Mary

In the morning you'll be alright
In the morning the
sun's gonna shine
In the morning no clouds in the sky
When it's dark in your
light just wait for the
daylight

Someone tell me what's wrong
Why my nights last so long
It's gettin' hard to believe
You can hear me

Then you give me a sign
That You heard me pray
You let me know
This dark night won't last always

So many ups and downs
You don't know where to start
So many nights you cried
Life was breakin' your heart

It may seem real hard
Ain't no help in sight
But don't you worry
About it tonight `cause

In the morning you'll be alright
In the morning the
sun's gonna shine
In the morning no clouds in the sky
When it's dark in your
light just wait for the
daylight

The words of a song

2007-08-06T01:51:00.000-05:00

The words of this song tell where I am at in my life right now. I am just trying to hide and heal my heart. Hopefully by this time next year all the words of the song will fit me. But for right now I will just deal with the verses.

The song is Deborah Cox's "Nobody's Suppose to be Here"

I've spent all my life, on a search to find

The love who'll stay for eternity

The heaven sent to fulfill my needs

But when I turn around

Again, love has knocked me down

My heart got broken, oh it hurt so bad

I'm sad to say, love wins again

So I placed my heart under lock and key

To take some time, and take care of me

This time I swear I'm through

But if only you knew

How many times I've said those words

Then fall again, when will I ever learn

Knowing these tears I cry

This lovely black butterfly

Must take a chance, and spread my wings

Love can make you do some crazy things

So I placed my heart under lock and key

To take some time, and take care of me

With the help of God and all the love of my family & friends, I will be able to take care of me and heal.

Excitement

2007-07-26T07:25:00.000-05:00

Dad is at home and the surgery was a success.

Now how do I deal with the interesting things going on in my life. Only God knows.

Dad's Surgery

2007-07-24T09:57:00.000-05:00

I am at the St. John's Mercy waiting for my dad to get out of surgery. Wow, this is so amazing to be sitting here on the web while I wait. Dad was excited about this and I will be so glad when it is over and Dad can go back to just being my Dad. Don't think life would be right without him. Right now I feel so weird it's almost like I am just going through the motions of life I am not really feeling anything. God knows and He can strengthen.

What I am Thankful For...

2007-07-22T06:23:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for being alive and in good health.

I am thankful for survival and the ability to survive.

I am thankful for thoughts. Mine are really scattered today but at least I have them.

I am thankful for my friends who read my thoughts and let me know that they are still my friends.

I am thankful for love and being loved.

I am thankful for stress not lasting always, joy is coming in the morning whenever that is.

What I am Thankful for...

2007-07-15T07:18:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for my children. This week they have remind me that there is more to life than just bills, bills and drama. They took a trip to the zoo and showed me that just enjoying each other is still a relevant part of life.

I am thankful for maturity. Spending time with some of my younger co-workers has shown me that I am growing more than I thought and that I can share that with those who want to know.

I am thankful for my mother who is already doing school supply shopping that I dread doing. Thanks for taking care of us Mom.

I am thankful for the diverse group of people that I know. I am so glad that I am open to listen to all and that they are willing to share with me. I know I ask questions that are sometimes annoying but I think they lead to some very interesting discussions.

I am thankful for tears. I have shed a lot of them this week but God.

I am thankful for the unexpected. This coming week is going to bring excitement, disappointment and many other emotions but I am thankful that it is coming.

Mothers & Daughters

2007-07-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

How close should this relationship be? Should mothers & daughters discuss every aspect of their life? Like medical conditions or intimate relationship? How much should your mother know about you and how much should you share with your daughter? This is a complex relationship mother & daughter that is not easy to explore. Should your mother be your best friend or should you have the relationship that defines who is older and younger? As usual all have are questions that I guess the answers don't really matter.

Happiness...

2007-07-11T15:34:00.000-05:00

Heard a line in a movie that said "Happiness is about choices". I started to think about what is happiness. I guess it is really what I chose to define it as the same as success. If I make what I think are the right choices then maybe I will achieve happiness. What I think would make me happy right now is just knowing what I want out of life. Once I figure out what I want then maybe I will be able to share that with someone else.

What is a Friend?

2007-07-09T19:13:00.001-05:00

This is something I have pondered on for years. What is a friend? Everyone I ask see it differently. One person may define one as "a person you know well and regard with affection and trust." Another may define one as "acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted." Yet another may define one as someone you just hangout with or talk to sometimes (this would be Johnathan's definition as long as you play with him and do it his way then you are his friend).

I think I am closer to understanding what I think a friend is and that means I do not have many. A friend is someone I can talk to at any time so that would rule out half the people I know because there are certain times of the day that I can not talk to them. A friend is someone who will you call every now and then to see how you are doing even if it is weeks or months apart. That means you call them and they call you not just one person doing all the calling or at least a email occasionally and not something that was just forwarded from someone else. A friend is a person that will tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear it. Even though the conversation may get ugly they still let you know what the truth is despite how you feel about it. Then when the truth has opened a deep wound that person is still there to help you mend it, that's a friend. A friend is a person who will stand behind you and support you even when they know what you are getting ready to do is ignorant and stupid. And then when you fall they are there to help you pick yourself up and move forward.

Then there is the title best friend. Will someone please tell me what that is? Because I am almost 40 years old and I have not figured this one out yet. Google says it is the friend that is closest to you that you trust and share everything with you know their family members and they know yours. I guess because I have never really had or maybe because I don't have one now I don't know what that is.

I would definitely love some feedback on this subject. So everyone feel free to comment.

What I Am Thankful For...

2007-07-08T06:41:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for peace of mind because I feel it coming sooner than I thought.

I am thankful for the ability to hear. I believe I have done entirely too much talking lately and it is now time for me to just actively listen to others.

I am thankful for the writers Beverly Lewis and Wanda Brunstetter. Reading these two women's novels based in the Amish community has given me more love for the faith in God that I do have. It has given me an appreciation for salvation as I understand it to be and it has made me thankful that God has covered my sins is His blood so that I do not have to work toward that redemption.

I am thankful for family. My family may not be what I want it to be but one day.

I am thankful for gospel music. For me there is no other genre of music that can remind me that I will be okay. I may be down at one point and put on a Clark Sisters cd and then I remember that I am "Blessed & Highly Favored." Or I can watch Mahalia Jackson on Youtube and realize that God's grace is truly "Amazing Grace."

I am thankful for Joyce Meyer who explains prayer as easy and understandable as ever in her new book "The Power of Simple Prayer."

I am thankful for my baby Rachel, she thinks she is all grown-up now but she will always be my baby. I am so proud of my baby for being focused, determined, responsible and for sharing Trey Trey with me.

What I am Thankful for...

2007-07-01T07:46:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for being able to see. I was able to finally get my new pair of glasses and I am excited about.

I am thankful for a place to live. Paying rent is not something I love but I am glad I have a safe place to call home.

I am thankful for vehicles that run. I depend on good transportation more than I realized.

I am thankful for memories. Yesterday I ran across a tape of Ms. Veeve doing praise & worship. I miss you girl.

I am thankful for my brothers--Vannie, Vernon & Vincent. Despite the fact that we don't talk alot I know they have my back.

I am thankful for my dog, Spicey. When no one else wants to go, Spicey is ready all the time and she loves on me even when I won't let her do something.

I am thankful that God is faithful.

Mother Headlam

2007-06-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

Today I really miss Mother Headlam. I remember the times when I would pick her to take her to doctor appointments or whereever she needed me to take her. She was so grateful for me picking her up but I tried to explain to her that I probably got more out of it than her because I needed her wisdom, her advice, her understanding and her love. I know her children and grandchildren really miss her, she was precious to us all. Mother would tell me to "Pray, baby, God is going to work it all out." I miss that so much.

I love you, Mother. I wish you were here to show me what faith in God means. I am going to hold on to the example you showed and the stories you told to remind me that God is able and faithful. Thank you, Mother for allowing me to be one of your daughters.

Women & Communciation

2007-06-27T15:03:00.000-05:00

Women need to realize that by communicating all sorts of doors will be opened and some might even be closed that should have been closed a long time ago. By that, I mean that if women feel comfortable discussing their sexuality, they might stop settling for less than what they deserve.--Zane--Library Journal, 6/27/07

This quote really got me to thinking today. If I can talk about who I am sexually and what I want maybe I can get it. That's powerful. It's all about knowing what you want and who you are. Talking can be substantial to who I am.

What I am Thankful For....

2007-06-24T07:35:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for wonderful children who get on my nerves sometimes but are truly a joy in my life.

I am thankful for a beautiful grandson who loves his grandma.

I am thankful for great parents who support & love me through everything I do even when they don't agree.

I am thankful for awesome pastors who teach the word of God powerfully and then turn and live it the same way.

I am thankful for jobs that I love and for having coworkers that make them worth going to.

I am thankful for the ability to read, exploring other realities has been wonderful for me lately.

I am thankful for friends who keep me sane and in touch with reality, thank you girlfriends.

I am thankful for Ms. Sarah, girl thank you for being there for me.

I am thankful for sleep, I haven't gotten alot of that lately but when I do I enjoy it.

I am thankful for peace of mind that I know is coming slowly but surely.

I am thankful for knowing what love is, it may hurt sometimes but I am glad I know what it is.

I Wear A Pink Ribbon

2007-06-19T19:53:00.000-05:00

I dedicate this poem to my mother. I love you Mom!

I Wear A Pink Ribbon

By Kimberly R. Harris

A silent killer with no face.

A thief within the night.

A constant battle for my life

A bitter evil fight.

The scars remind me of the day

It knocked at my souls door.

It tried to rob me of my strength

It left me on the floor.

To survive, I had to sacrifice

My Breast and even my hair

It showed no pity as it snatched

These things without a care.

I started to give up my fight

I felt I could take no more

Then God reached down and

Gently picked me up off the floor.

He wiped my face and blew my nose

Just like my mama use to do.

He said don't cry my child

For I have things in store for you.

I did not bring you all this way

to leave you high and dry.

I love you and you are my child

So hold your head up high.

There is nothing that I cannot fix,

No pain I can't erase.

Have faith and know that I am here

There is nothing you can't face!

So then I threw my hands up high

And gave God all his praise!

For my soul has been uplifted

And my SPIRIT has been raised!

I'll fight this fight with cancer

And I know I will be fine.

For God said it and I know its true,

That VICTORY is mine!!

Mammogram

2007-06-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

One day in April I had a mammogram. Then in May the Doc request another one and then the awful word biopsy came up. The surgeon checkout out the films and said I am not sure if you really need this. Another Doc checked it out and said I don't think a biopsy is necessary. This Wednesday I saw the experts at Washington University Cancer Center and they said come back in six months, the biopsy is not necessary. What I thought would be a simple mammogram turned into an adventure but its still all good. Thanks Mom for showing me that I can endure all things and God will give me the victory.

But God...

2007-06-12T06:19:00.000-05:00

"No matter what’s happening in my life, when I trust God He can deliver me."

Yesterday morning the gear shift in the car broke, but God.
I drove it to drop the kids off in first gear with no reverse, but God.
The mechanic said the cables weren't even attached to the transmission, but God.
Estimated repairs were over $500, but God.
The car is now fixed and I am not broke, ain't God awesome that's why I trust Him.
As I sat there waiting for the car to be fixed all I could say is thank you Jesus even though it looked like a mess, BUT GOD!

Questions?

2007-05-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

I think today all I have are questions.
Why does life have to be so confusing?
Why can't issues and people be easy to understand?
Why can't love just happen? Why is something you have to work at?
Why does it hurt so bad? Why can't love make life easier?
The answers to these questions would be great but if they don't come I hope to one day just be happy with what I do know.

Interesting Quote

2007-05-24T11:14:00.000-05:00

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”--Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

This is how I feel today but God. I feel foolish but I guess at least I can say I know what love is.

God Has Done It!

2007-05-15T11:03:00.000-05:00

Psalm 52:9 I will thank You and confide in You forever, because You have done it [delivered me and kept me safe]. I will wait on, hope in and expect in Your name, for it is good, in the presence of Your saints (Your kind and pious ones).

Despite everything I have gone through in the past two years, God has been faithful and He has done it. Now it is time for a praise break!

Mother's Day

2007-05-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Even though I wasn't with my mother this year, I still think home is where she is.

Thanks Mom for being great, wonderful & awesome.

Four Things About Me

2007-05-07T00:39:00.000-05:00

Four jobs I have had in my life
1. Cataloger
2. Library Assistant
3. Graduate Assistant
4. Day Care Secretary

Four movies you could watch over and over
1. Sound of Music
2. Diary of a Mad Black Woman
3. Pretty Woman
4. Why Did I Get Married

Four Places I Have Lived
1. Illinois
2. Italy
3. Missouri
4. Germany

Four TV shows I watch
1. Law & Order, SVU
2. CSI
3. Closer
4. Ghost Whisperer

Four Places I have Visited
1. Nebraska
2. Tennessee
3. Oklahoma
4. North Carolina

Four Websites I visit daily (almost)
1. Newspapers
2. Google
3. Lewis & Clark Library System
4. Wikiopedia

Four of my favorite foods
1. Pizza
2. My Mother's Fried Chicken
3. My Mother's Sweet Potato Pie
4. Cereal

Four of my favorite beverages
1. Jones Apple Soda
2. Water
3.Mountain Dew Red
4. Kool-Aid

Four places I would rather be right now
1. A warm island
2.Venice, Italy
3. Cruise ship
4. Church all by myself

Another Saturday at Work

2007-05-05T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today is one of the first days I really wished I was at home instead of at work.
I took Johnathan to Rachel's place and Trey wanted to stay with me. I wish I was with him. Instead I am at work wishing I was home.

Candy's Thoughts

How He Loves Us

My Theme Song for 2011

I want to be a part.

What I am Thankful for...

New Beginnings

Mistakes & Regrets

What I am Thankful for

Relationships

What I am Thankful for...

Who is Jesus?

What I am Thankful for...

In the Morning...

The words of a song

Excitement

Dad's Surgery

What I am Thankful For...

What I am Thankful for...

Mothers & Daughters

Happiness...

What is a Friend?

What I Am Thankful For...

What I am Thankful for...

Mother Headlam

Women & Communciation

What I am Thankful For....

I Wear A Pink Ribbon

Mammogram

But God...

Questions?

Interesting Quote

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”--Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

This is how I feel today but God. I feel foolish but I guess at least I can say I know what love is.

God Has Done It!

Mother's Day

Top 10 Questions

Four Things About Me

Another Saturday at Work