I want to be a part.

"God put in the heart of His creation--in all of us--the need to belong. Husbands to wives, families to one another, and all of us to our heavenly Father." This quote came from one of the characters in Beverly Lewis' latest novel on the Amish called "The Secret." It has helped me to understand my need to try to fit in places that I probably should not. I want to belong, I feel this driving need to be a part of something whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship or family members, I want to be a part. But I understand for right now in this time in my life I just need to be connected with God more than anyone else.

What I am Thankful for...

I am thankful that I am still here. In spite of everything I have been through I am still here. [Thanks Dorinda Clark-Cole for writing that song.]

I am thankful that through trials and mistakes I still have a sane mind.

I am thankful for this pregnancy that has complicated my world but I believe God is going to get the glory in the end.

I am thankful for a great family that has stood by me through everything.

I am thankful for the people I call friends who have not forsaken me.

I am thankful for my children who get on my nervous some times but at the same time show me what love really is.

I am thankful for my church and my job that have allowed me to keep a stable life.

I am truly thankful to God for loving me and for His faithfulness even in all my weaknesses.

New Beginnings

It has been a year since I posted a thought on here. I believe it is time to start again. 2008 has been a interesting, weird and blessed year for me. I am thankful for so much. God has been good to me. I believe 2009 is going to be one of my best years ever. I will be 40 next year and I plan to live each day to the fullest because I think I have earned the right to enjoy myself.

Mistakes & Regrets

We make choices in life that someday we may look back on think that was really a mistake but I think that is ok. I think is better to make a choice then to let decision be made for you or to just let life happen. I have to learn to be ok with the choices and not to regret them later.

It is so strange to me that I have had a lot things happen in my life in the space of two years but my one regret has nothing to do with those two years. My one regret in life is the relationship I could not have with someone. I really think we could have been great friends but something hindered that and I can't really figure out what. When I am honest with myself I realize that I don't regret having a child at seventeen or getting at married at twenty-three nor do I regret the divorce that ended it. Did those things come with pain? Yes but I am thankful that I was able to endure and have them in my life they made me a better me. But this relationship that I could not have has hurt me to the core because I could not figure why we could not be friends but I guess God must know.

What I am Thankful for

I am thankful that I am still alive and breathing because things could be different.

I am thankful that Rachel is safe. She is young and still learning but at least she is okay today.

I am thankful that God is still providing for us despite my dumb mistakes.

I am thankful that eventually healing will come for my heart. I don't know when but if I keep believing I know it will come eventually.

I am thankful that JB and KB have survived each other. They fight so much but I hope in the end they will become closer to each other.

I am thankful that I am exploring something different in my life that maybe eventually will help me understand myself better.

I am thankful that God hasn't given up on me despite my confusion on so many things when it comes to spirituality and bible knowledge, I know God still loves me.

I am thankful that the holiday season will be over soon and maybe things can be normal again. Whatever that is.

I am thankful that I have coworkers around that listen to my questions no matter how weird or too serious they are and then really answer them. I am glad they feel okay talking to me even though I may not agree with them, I am thankful they are willing to share.

I am thankful that one day I will come out of this weird place I am in emotionally. God because this definitely can not last forever.

I am thankful that my brother will be coming home soon and I am prayfully that my other brother will be safe while he is still there.

Relationships

I just finished reading "Where My Heart Belongs" by Tracie Peterson. What has stayed in my mind from this book ,that was something like the story of the prodigal son, is that I need to understand the real purpose of relationships in my life. Recently, I have basically ended a friendship for no good reason other than I wanted to keep to myself and I never stop to think what this person may have needed from me. Never thought about what our relationship meant to her just focus totally on me. Today, I feel so guilty for taking my friendship away from her just because I wanted to hid from the world. Another friend told me this past week that I need to come out of hiding and socialize, today I understand the importance of that but first I must apologize for taking away a relationship and try to build it once again.

What I am Thankful for...

I am thankful that JB is healthy again. He and the weather are not getting along but I think we have it under control now.

I am thankful that Krystal still gives me hugs even though she is too old to hang out with Mom because that is not cool.

I am thankful for Rachel & Trey living close and we still have relationship were she wants to come visit.

I am thankful for Youtube. I have spent a lot of time on this website lately watching segments of church services that my church no longer does. I miss praise songs, testimony service and a good ole shouting time. It has also been great to see all the old saints such as Mother Estella Boyd showing us what really praying is.